Calling a Spade a Spade

A few nights ago, I had coffee with my not-yet-ex husband.  I brought up the topic of his dating, since a friend had seen him out with a woman a few months ago.  He told me he could have a date every night if he wanted one.  At 18, he could only dream of being as popular with women as he is now.  A friend from church calls him Casanova.  When I got home, I made the mistake of creating a dummy profile on the web site he's using to check out his bio.  I almost puked when I read it.  Family is his first priority?  Right.  He refers to me as his "former long term partner."  The more I think about that term, the more funny I think it is.  Seriously?  Long term partner?  Sounds like he is gay!  Not to mention that I was, and am, his wife.of 27 years  I sent some of my thoughts in an email to a friend of mine.  Here is the response:

Always glad to listen to a good friend and glad you can use my email ears.

Nothing has changed with him.  Nothing.  He still doesn’t get “it” and there are a lot of its included in that.  He doesn’t get marriage, relationships, honesty, introspection, a personal inventory – none of it.  He lives in a bubble of his own making and chooses to believe that is the real world.  And if you don’t have to have a real relationship with him, his own world can look fairly normal to others.  He functions, goes to work (that’s a whole nother story), attends church, sings in the choir, etc.  YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S LIVED WITH HIM AND KNOWS WHAT THAT’S LIKE.  But there’s nobody home there.  There’s no Me.  Not really.  There’s a façade, a fantasy, a make believe Me.  But not a real one.  That’s at least part of what drove you crazy – a real conversation and decision making was virtually impossible with him.

Another example of this is calling you a “F L T P”.  what the h...is that!  You were married how many years and had how many children together and have how much history together?  And all he can call you is a fltp?  That’s both a joke and an incredible insult to you and to your (his) children.  If all you were was a “partner” I wonder what that makes your children?

I understand your sadness, but it’s also very pathetic, hurtful and delusional.....and wrong.  He’s not free.  He’s not single, morally or legally.  Discuss with the attorney your options re: your youngest daughter.  I don’t think a 16 y.o. can be forced to have visitation with a divorced parent but an attorney needs to answer that.  If possible, divorce yourself from this man and move on with your life (I know you already are moving on but you know what I mean, I think).  The more contact you have with him the more you get hurt and are forced to acknowledge to some degree this fantasy, bizarre, strange world that he lives in and it’s not good for you.

You’ve come a long ways and are really doing a terrific job with your life.  I’m proud of you.

 

Sometimes I just need someone to call a spade a spade. 

Sick

Today I feel sick.  Not flu or cold sick.  That ache in the pit of my stomach emotional sick.  Last night I got an email from a friend that she has moved out of their bedroom.  She and her husband are going to be "separate but equal," both staying in the house, having separate rooms and living separate lives.  I had a hard time staying asleep last night, and every time I woke up I was thinking about them.  I believe in the adage about don't judge the inside of your life by the outside of someone else's.  Having said that, it's the only perspective I can have.  I have never walked in her shoes, so I can only observe from the outside.  And I only have my own past relationship as a reference point.  I only know her husband from the outside, and from the outside, compared to mine, he doesn't seem so bad.  She says he doesn't respond to her emotionally.  She says they haven't had a physical relationship for years.  I don't doubt that.  With others, though, he can be very funny and fun to be around.  He takes care of things around their house, and is very talented with building and repairing things.  He has been very helpful to me over the last year, at her encouragment.  According to her, he says he can't abide by her negativity anymore.  I understand that.  I do hear her rag on him a lot.  From the outside, he seems deceptively okay.

And yet, how hard is it to give someone a hug or a kind word when they ask for it and make it so clear that that's what they need?  Even if you don't find them physically attractive?  You don't hug someone because they are attractive or not.  You hug them because you love them.  I don't know.....I feel so badly about the deterioration of their relationship. 

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what she's getting into.  I know I didn't either, but this feels different.  I am much stronger physically than she is, much more used to having to be self-sufficient, and I think stronger emotionally. She can't carry a basket of laundry up the steps.  Maybe she will surprise me.  We had a long talk last weekend, and I shared with her how being separated is a whole different kind of lonely that married lonely.  I can't see her surviving this kind of lonely. 

And selfishly, this has implications for me too.  Her husband has been my go-to guy for things that I can't fix.  He's been my advice guy, my fix-it guy, and has done simple things for me that have shown me how uncared-for I was. Like remembering my trash pick-up day and bringing the trash to the curb when he was here working on a project.  How simple is that?  And yet, to me, it seemed like a huge deal that he took the effort to ask my trash day, remember it across several weeks, and follow through--all things I am not used to.  It will definitely be awkward to ask for that kind of help now.....

How do I be a friend to both of them?  I'm not sure that's possible.  How do I be a friend to her?  I want to support her, and I want her to feel supported.  I also want to be realistic with her.  How do I say that he may also have some valid feelings, without crushing her spirit?  I have no idea. 

My stomach hurts. 

Motorcycles

Today I went for a motorcycle ride with a friend.  I think I may have to think about adding "motorcycle riding" as a desirable attribute in a guy.  I have no desire to drive a motorcycle, but I can see how it would be a cool part of a relationship to ride behind a guy on a motorcycle.  Obviously, not when that guy is the husband of one of my good friends, but generically speaking.  It was a beautiful sunny fall day today, and it was invigorating to be on the motorcycle driving in the country and looking at the beautiful fall colors in the trees.  Probably similar to camping--amazing in beautiful weather, and completely sucky in the rain :-).

99:1 day

99 days out of a hundred I am strong.  Today is a 100th day.  I asked my husband to leave, and I'm pretty sure he would characterize it as "I kicked him out?"  Which sounds like I rejected him.  When we first separated, he wanted to take me out, wanted to rebuild our relationship, sent me fb messages that "our best days are ahead."  That was 10 months age.  Lately, it's like I don't exist.  He doesn't pay me the money he's supposed to, he doesn't acknowledge texts, doesn't respond to voice mail, and certainly doesn't take my calls.  My more rational part knows that this behavior says much more about him than it does about me.  This is his passive/aggressive pattern in a different outfit.  He's moving on with his life, which means that he's taking his same behavior patterns and using them on a different person.  My less rational part feels dumped.  And maybe that's what he's trying to do, I don't know.  But once again, I am left with his behavior impacting my life.  He won't return my calls, so I'm left with the choice of either leaving his stuff in my basement, or taking on the work of getting rid of it.  Either way, he doesn't have to do anything, and I get stuck with the work and the expense of getting rid of it.  So frustrating. 

hard week

This has been a hard week.  Crazy schedule, full of work and fun times with friends.  Too little time at home, too little time with my kids, too little down time.  Wondering when summer vacation will actually start.....

The other day I looked at my daughter's twitter.  There was a comment on there wondering why men think it's okay to cheat on their wives and then tell their daughters about it.  Guess that means my separated husband has started seeing someone else.  Not really surprised, kind of grossed out, and kind of pissed.  Mr.  "our best days are ahead" "what can I do to make our relationship better".  That lasted about a month or two.  Now it looks like he's on to other things.  I'd put money on it that she has big boobs.  Morbid curiousity makes me wonder who would find him an attractive catch. 

Today I went to a wedding for the second weekend in a row.  Because I've played the piano both times, I've had a close-up view of the bride and groom saying their vows to each other.  Both weekends the vows have brought me to tears.  I made those promises once, and I meant them.  So many things I screwed up since then.  I screwed up a lot, and I definitely wasn't the only one.

One of my nieces was at the wedding today.  We had a great time talking together.  She was telling me that she and her mom were talking and wondering if there isn't someone who they could introduce me to.  She thinks I'm a good catch :-).  Fun, intelligent, well-employed professional....  I would love to meet someone with the same characteristics.  I'd be a good catch in the sense that I'm not looking for a ring, either.  In addition to the fact that I'm only separated, and marriage is not an option, I'm way way way way far away from being interested or ready to marry someone again.  Someone to hang out with, go to dinner with, do things with, maybe make out with (how juvenile does that sound?), definitely. 

I find myself looking at the men I know, and wondering if there are any others like them around that aren't attached.  I know some seriously high quality men.  I have no desire for any of them.  One of the things I respect in them is their commitments to their wives.  And most of their wives are my good friends.  I certainly don't wish any of them any ill that would make their husbands available!  But I do enjoy their company, and watching their relationships from afar, and wonder if there could ever be any one like that in my future..... 

De Junk Catharsis

Yesterday the temperature was in the 90's, with a dew point in the low 70's.  In other words, it was hot and humid.  Very hot.  Very humid.  Not a day for physical labor outside.  And yet, there we were, outside hauling junk up the hill and dumping it into a friend's trailer.  Left over wood from a project begun five years ago, and still unfinished (though functional), office furniture from another lifetime.  Despite several attempts to donate said furniture, including posting it on freecycle, I had no takers.  Couldn't even give the stuff away, yet couldn't figure out a way to toss it either.  A friend offered to bring his trailer and allow me to dump the stuff in the dumpster at his business.  Because of the holiday, his crews won't be dumping in it until Tuesday or Wednesday, and it gets picked up on Friday, leaving room for my stuff this week. 

Although the junk sitting behind my house had made me think of the term "white trash" when I stood in my back yard and looked at the house, I underestimated how cathartic it would be to get rid of it.  Not only does the area around the house look better, it feels like a whole set of baggage from the past is gone also.  No more reminders of conflict over getting rid of the stuff. No more reminders of promises made to take care of it, promises made simply to "pacify" me, with no intention or accountability of ever following through. 

One more step in the process of moving on.  Thanks be to God. 

six months later....

Today it's been six months since I asked my husband to leave.  What have I learned in six months?  That I wonder what we did with all our money.  In the last six months I've made some major and minor improvements in my house, paid tuition for a graduate course, helped my kids with some tuition and college living expenses paid the bills, paid a little extra on a debt I want to get rid of, and still managed to save money.  On one income.  Go figure. 

I have learned how great my friends are.  Woman friends and their husbands.  Turns out their husbands have been so frustrated with how I've been treated over the years, and how the husband didn't take care of things around our house, that they've been itching to get their hands on a few projects.  I am grateful and humbled.  I have never experienced such caring from a man, and am sometimes overwhelmed at their generosity.  I've always known that "acts of service" was my love language, and it has been spoken loudly over the last six months. 

On the other hand, I have experienced a different kind of loneliness.  I never really had a partner in the marriage enterprise, but this is different.  Being so completely alone. Alone in parenting--to a different degree.  Not even anyone to bounce ideas or frustrations off of.  Parenting is different.  He was not a very involved parent before, and much of the reason I asked him to leave was because of how he treated the kids.  Now the struggles are different, because the kids are so emotionally dependent on me.  In some ways, it's like having younger children again.  I truly do not know the best way to parent my youngest right now.  She is the epitome of the glass half empty.  A part of me wants to give her the proverbial kick in the butt and say, "enough already," and yet I know that she would be devastated if such words were to come from me.  On the other hand, I know that if she continues to wallow in self-pity, she will only become more lonely and alienated from others.  Such a hard call. 

I miss the idea of good sex.  It wasn't very good or very frequent for quite a while, but I miss the idea of having a loving sexual marriage. 

I struggle with always being "on." I feel like I have shadows attached to me at the hip in my kids.  And yet, when I take space for myself, they seem unable to focus on anything but watching tv or netflix.  Yuck.  I need to teach them to be involved in caring for our household, so that they know they are important to the functioning of our family.  At the same time, I feel like I don't have time.  Such a Catch-22.

Would I do it again?  Definitely.  Overall, the house is so much more peaceful and positive.  I am overall so much more peaceful and positive.  My children know they are loved deeply by me.  I have to hope that time and maturity will help them heal from having their security, no matter how damaged it was, ripped from them.