Sick

Today I feel sick.  Not flu or cold sick.  That ache in the pit of my stomach emotional sick.  Last night I got an email from a friend that she has moved out of their bedroom.  She and her husband are going to be "separate but equal," both staying in the house, having separate rooms and living separate lives.  I had a hard time staying asleep last night, and every time I woke up I was thinking about them.  I believe in the adage about don't judge the inside of your life by the outside of someone else's.  Having said that, it's the only perspective I can have.  I have never walked in her shoes, so I can only observe from the outside.  And I only have my own past relationship as a reference point.  I only know her husband from the outside, and from the outside, compared to mine, he doesn't seem so bad.  She says he doesn't respond to her emotionally.  She says they haven't had a physical relationship for years.  I don't doubt that.  With others, though, he can be very funny and fun to be around.  He takes care of things around their house, and is very talented with building and repairing things.  He has been very helpful to me over the last year, at her encouragment.  According to her, he says he can't abide by her negativity anymore.  I understand that.  I do hear her rag on him a lot.  From the outside, he seems deceptively okay.

And yet, how hard is it to give someone a hug or a kind word when they ask for it and make it so clear that that's what they need?  Even if you don't find them physically attractive?  You don't hug someone because they are attractive or not.  You hug them because you love them.  I don't know.....I feel so badly about the deterioration of their relationship. 

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what she's getting into.  I know I didn't either, but this feels different.  I am much stronger physically than she is, much more used to having to be self-sufficient, and I think stronger emotionally. She can't carry a basket of laundry up the steps.  Maybe she will surprise me.  We had a long talk last weekend, and I shared with her how being separated is a whole different kind of lonely that married lonely.  I can't see her surviving this kind of lonely. 

And selfishly, this has implications for me too.  Her husband has been my go-to guy for things that I can't fix.  He's been my advice guy, my fix-it guy, and has done simple things for me that have shown me how uncared-for I was. Like remembering my trash pick-up day and bringing the trash to the curb when he was here working on a project.  How simple is that?  And yet, to me, it seemed like a huge deal that he took the effort to ask my trash day, remember it across several weeks, and follow through--all things I am not used to.  It will definitely be awkward to ask for that kind of help now.....

How do I be a friend to both of them?  I'm not sure that's possible.  How do I be a friend to her?  I want to support her, and I want her to feel supported.  I also want to be realistic with her.  How do I say that he may also have some valid feelings, without crushing her spirit?  I have no idea. 

My stomach hurts.