hard week

This has been a hard week.  Crazy schedule, full of work and fun times with friends.  Too little time at home, too little time with my kids, too little down time.  Wondering when summer vacation will actually start.....

The other day I looked at my daughter's twitter.  There was a comment on there wondering why men think it's okay to cheat on their wives and then tell their daughters about it.  Guess that means my separated husband has started seeing someone else.  Not really surprised, kind of grossed out, and kind of pissed.  Mr.  "our best days are ahead" "what can I do to make our relationship better".  That lasted about a month or two.  Now it looks like he's on to other things.  I'd put money on it that she has big boobs.  Morbid curiousity makes me wonder who would find him an attractive catch. 

Today I went to a wedding for the second weekend in a row.  Because I've played the piano both times, I've had a close-up view of the bride and groom saying their vows to each other.  Both weekends the vows have brought me to tears.  I made those promises once, and I meant them.  So many things I screwed up since then.  I screwed up a lot, and I definitely wasn't the only one.

One of my nieces was at the wedding today.  We had a great time talking together.  She was telling me that she and her mom were talking and wondering if there isn't someone who they could introduce me to.  She thinks I'm a good catch :-).  Fun, intelligent, well-employed professional....  I would love to meet someone with the same characteristics.  I'd be a good catch in the sense that I'm not looking for a ring, either.  In addition to the fact that I'm only separated, and marriage is not an option, I'm way way way way far away from being interested or ready to marry someone again.  Someone to hang out with, go to dinner with, do things with, maybe make out with (how juvenile does that sound?), definitely. 

I find myself looking at the men I know, and wondering if there are any others like them around that aren't attached.  I know some seriously high quality men.  I have no desire for any of them.  One of the things I respect in them is their commitments to their wives.  And most of their wives are my good friends.  I certainly don't wish any of them any ill that would make their husbands available!  But I do enjoy their company, and watching their relationships from afar, and wonder if there could ever be any one like that in my future..... 

De Junk Catharsis

Yesterday the temperature was in the 90's, with a dew point in the low 70's.  In other words, it was hot and humid.  Very hot.  Very humid.  Not a day for physical labor outside.  And yet, there we were, outside hauling junk up the hill and dumping it into a friend's trailer.  Left over wood from a project begun five years ago, and still unfinished (though functional), office furniture from another lifetime.  Despite several attempts to donate said furniture, including posting it on freecycle, I had no takers.  Couldn't even give the stuff away, yet couldn't figure out a way to toss it either.  A friend offered to bring his trailer and allow me to dump the stuff in the dumpster at his business.  Because of the holiday, his crews won't be dumping in it until Tuesday or Wednesday, and it gets picked up on Friday, leaving room for my stuff this week. 

Although the junk sitting behind my house had made me think of the term "white trash" when I stood in my back yard and looked at the house, I underestimated how cathartic it would be to get rid of it.  Not only does the area around the house look better, it feels like a whole set of baggage from the past is gone also.  No more reminders of conflict over getting rid of the stuff. No more reminders of promises made to take care of it, promises made simply to "pacify" me, with no intention or accountability of ever following through. 

One more step in the process of moving on.  Thanks be to God.