Calling a Spade a Spade

A few nights ago, I had coffee with my not-yet-ex husband.  I brought up the topic of his dating, since a friend had seen him out with a woman a few months ago.  He told me he could have a date every night if he wanted one.  At 18, he could only dream of being as popular with women as he is now.  A friend from church calls him Casanova.  When I got home, I made the mistake of creating a dummy profile on the web site he's using to check out his bio.  I almost puked when I read it.  Family is his first priority?  Right.  He refers to me as his "former long term partner."  The more I think about that term, the more funny I think it is.  Seriously?  Long term partner?  Sounds like he is gay!  Not to mention that I was, and am, his wife.of 27 years  I sent some of my thoughts in an email to a friend of mine.  Here is the response:

Always glad to listen to a good friend and glad you can use my email ears.

Nothing has changed with him.  Nothing.  He still doesn’t get “it” and there are a lot of its included in that.  He doesn’t get marriage, relationships, honesty, introspection, a personal inventory – none of it.  He lives in a bubble of his own making and chooses to believe that is the real world.  And if you don’t have to have a real relationship with him, his own world can look fairly normal to others.  He functions, goes to work (that’s a whole nother story), attends church, sings in the choir, etc.  YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S LIVED WITH HIM AND KNOWS WHAT THAT’S LIKE.  But there’s nobody home there.  There’s no Me.  Not really.  There’s a façade, a fantasy, a make believe Me.  But not a real one.  That’s at least part of what drove you crazy – a real conversation and decision making was virtually impossible with him.

Another example of this is calling you a “F L T P”.  what the h...is that!  You were married how many years and had how many children together and have how much history together?  And all he can call you is a fltp?  That’s both a joke and an incredible insult to you and to your (his) children.  If all you were was a “partner” I wonder what that makes your children?

I understand your sadness, but it’s also very pathetic, hurtful and delusional.....and wrong.  He’s not free.  He’s not single, morally or legally.  Discuss with the attorney your options re: your youngest daughter.  I don’t think a 16 y.o. can be forced to have visitation with a divorced parent but an attorney needs to answer that.  If possible, divorce yourself from this man and move on with your life (I know you already are moving on but you know what I mean, I think).  The more contact you have with him the more you get hurt and are forced to acknowledge to some degree this fantasy, bizarre, strange world that he lives in and it’s not good for you.

You’ve come a long ways and are really doing a terrific job with your life.  I’m proud of you.

 

Sometimes I just need someone to call a spade a spade.